September 7th, 2008


cry me emo tears

On Wednesday, I figured that since it had cooled off from the triple digits into the mid 90's, I would go study in the redwood grove in the arboretum for awhile. There are some nice, smooth, new-looking picnic tables there made out of redwood, so I sat down at one under the trees and studied prokaryotic transcription for an hour until I realized that I was sweating uncomfortably.

There was some graffiti on my otherwise very nice table. In black sharpie, there was diologue about whether one of the authors had any friends or not. Someone different had chosen to scratch a message into the table with ballpoint pen. It read:
I'm ready to leap.
There's a peace beneath the roar of the Golden Gate.
Now, I do have some care and sympathy, and I hope that this person didn't kill himself or herself. But this struck me more as being from someone who had gotten sucked into a vortex of self-pity and was passively waiting for someone to come rescue them. I'm sure a minimally creative person could come up with ways to kill themselves here in Davis, but this person has announced that they are going to travel two to three hours to do it in a highly public place. And I find the arboretum to be a highly peaceful and serene place, as far as Davis goes, the city not having any truly natural areas. This person is saying that they can only find peace in death, when peace is right there staring them in the face.

I learned about five years ago that it is a privilege and not a right to have friends who care deeply about my feelings and will listen to my problems. I realized that self pity had no point, because no one was going to feel as sorry for me as I felt for myself, and particularly if I was going to be melodramatic, no one was going to give me the attention that I felt I needed in order to be rescued. I came to the philosophy of primarily picking myself up by the bootstraps, and being very grateful when friends do want to listen to my problems. It's not material for a public post, but when people in my life get stuck in that same vortex, I'm just like ::headdesk:: I'm happy to listen and be sympathetic and help however I can, but if it's always the same old story and I'm not making it any better for you, you might need to look to yourself for help.

[Not talking to anyone on the f-list, just ranting.]